In lieu of recent events surrounding my phone bill, I have decided to take my Lent vow early this year. I am going to give up talking on my cell phone for 40 days. Some of you may think I'm crazy. Some of you may even be saying, "But wait, he has the most sophisticated piece of technological equipment available on the market (*** that is of course excluding the Nintendo Wii and the Toyota Prius ... but those don't count they are Japanese products). Well you naysayers are correct. I do have an iphone, but I have come to realize that the iphone is the one responsible for my astronomic phone bill. You see, the iphone makes it incredibly easy for me to dial 11 easy digits and talk to someone from lets say ... Sweden! If Steve Jobs had made it a little more difficult for me to dial overseas, I would not be faced with such a burdensome phone bill. With that being said, if you need me I can be reached by starting a bonfire and quickly waving a blanket over it 7 times. Carefully not to wave it eight times because that is the universal code for After Labor Day Shopping Sale.

In school news, I received a wonderful question from one of the girls in my class. It was the afternoon and I was teaching math (for those of you that know my math ability, I use the term "teaching" very loosely in that sentence), when the young girl raised her hand and asked, "Mr. Schwartz, what if that guy never invented clothing?" I was a little surprised at how sure she was of it being a man that invented clothing. In fact, after owning a pair of button-fly jeans, I am almost one hundred percent sure that it was not a man who invented clothing. Anyway, I asked my students what they thought life would be like if clothing was never invented. One boy raised his hand and said, "There is no way I would come to school." I agree with him, why come to school when you could be out running around naked!

What Is Good Parenting?

If any Pennsylvanian parent approves of their child going to the University of Michigan, I suggest that child services be notified immediately. Nothing good could possibly come from sending a child to Michigan, a school rooted in corrupt football. I hope that ever player on the Michigan football team is convicted of academic fraud. I also hope that their fate rest in the hands of an extremely unforgiving judiciary board.

Daily Minutes

Well, I am officially the new third grade teacher. Today the lady I work with gave birth to a baby boy, and all I gave birth to was an ulcer.

It isn't all that bad. My mornings run very smoothly, and all the kids in my morning reading group (a two and a half hour block) are my classroom students. This is good because they understand my rules and expectations.

At the end of the day, I gave my students a few minutes to make pictures for Mrs. Doe. As they were handing their pictures in, I noticed that one boy had drawn a picture of a lady giving birth to a child. Of course, I thought that this was the greatest card ever made, and I can't wait to deliver to my mentor teacher in the hospital. This card is almost as good as a letter that one of my girls gave to me yesterday. Written in the most beautiful handwriting was a card that read, "Dear Mrs. Doe and Mr. Schwartz, I can't wait until you have your baby!" Not only was the message great but she had drawn a beautiful flower and balloons on the front. I will also include that card in the package I deliver tomorrow.

I cannot wait for Friday to arrive, and I think that I might check out a Pow Wow that is happening in Pierre this weekend, as some of my students will be there dancing. I'll make sure to let everyone know how it goes. In the mean time hope all is well with everyone. Much love.

How

It has been recently brought to my attention that there are certain components of my blog that may not follow standard English protocol. I would like to mention one simple fact - It's my blog and I will cry if I want to. With that being said, I will use as many prepositions at the end of a sentence, grammatical errors, and vernacular slangs as I wish.

There were a few things that happened to me today that help me look back on the day's events and laugh. The first of these many moments came around 8:45 this morning. I had just informed my students that Mrs. Doe (names have been changed for legal reasons) was admitted to the hospital, and that her baby was most likely on the way. I talked about how she would need some time off to recover and when she was ready she would bring the baby in for all of us to see. I then asked my students if they had any questions (sometimes I do this for my own personal enjoyment). Of course, one of my students in the back row raised his hand and asked in complete seriousness, "Did the baby poop in Mrs. Doe's stomach?" There were a few things that made this question so unique and difficult to answer. The first thing was the sincerity with which he asked the question, and the second was the fact that he used the word poop with ten other 3rd graders around. Needless to say, I had to do my best bullshitting to answer his question and keep my composure.

The second event I will discuss involves a new teacher, a half a pot of coffee, and one extremely upset bladder. In all of my teaching experiences, I have been free to use the bathroom at my leisure. However, today was my first time in the classroom without any assistance from a mentor. Seeing as I was going to be teaching all day, I thought it would be a good idea to consume as much coffee as possible in the morning. Well, 9:05 swung around and I could already tell that it was going to be the longest day of my life. By 10:15, every part of my body was quivering. I scanned my brain for possible ways to escape to the bathroom. Some of the ideas I came up with were - just peeing myself, calling the office for a five minute substitute, or reporting a terrorist attack and running to the bathroom (too soon?). Although the pain was unbearable, I managed to make it to 11:15. I dropped my students off at the gym, and told them that in the spirit of excercise I was going to run back to the classroom as fast as I could. They all started cheering me on, and I sprinted to the classroom. What I thought would be a five minute pee ... was.

The rest of the day was pretty standard. Everything has become a little more hectic, but I am still in control.

The only other thing I feel needs to be mentioned is that I discovered what I believe to be the worst job in the world. In my opinion, being a camerman for the Women's World Cup has to be the worst job ever. In case you have not been following, the Women's World Cup of soccer is currently happening in China. I watched a game this morning between Sweden and Nigeria in which every three touches resulted in a turn over to the other team. It was like watching ping-pong sans grunting. I'm not saying that the reason the camera kept swinging back and forth was because they were women, but more likely because they suck.

Love to all, and keep me in your thoughts as you ask for forgiveness for your sins (especially after this entry)!

What A Monday

For those of you following along at home, life just got real. Today I learned a thing or two about embryonic fluid. Apparently, if this fluid begins to leak, they admit you to the hospital because most likely your baby is on the way. What does this mean for me? Well it means I will finally have the classroom all to myself.

I am rather excited about the whole situation. I think that it is great that the lady I teach with is having a baby and she will make a great mother, but also I will now have the chance to add my own flavor (white devil flavor) to the classroom. While this was exciting news to end my day with, I also forgot to mention that a large number of students have infentigo. When the nurse first told me the news, I could have sworn she said elephantiasis. Imagine my disappointment when I pictured my classroom full of children who would be required to carry their testicles around in a shopping cart. However, I was relieved to learn that she said infentigo, which just means that huge bolstering pus mounds would be on my student's faces.

Anyway, I wanted to dedicate most of this entry to an email Jill sent me about Muslims not being capable of being good American citizens, but I have decided that I might have to spend more time researching everything I wanted to rant and rave about. Mom let me know if that email was sent to you as a serious message, or was it just one of your friends messing around with you? Love you all.

Sincerely,

The 3rd grade teacher formerly known as "White Bastard"

My Sister the College Student

There are a few times in a man's life when he can consciously remember a tear coming to his eye. Perhaps the birth of his first child, receiving his first automobile, or the first time he talks to his inebriated sister at college. For me, the latter was definitely one of those occasions.

Ever since arriving at college four or so days ago, Kady has been out to defecate on the Catholic diocese. Beliefs that apply to many catholics such as possession of a threefold ministry, veneration of Mary mother of Jesus, and the continuous organizational descent from the original church founded by Jesus, are just a few of Seton Hall's strict foudations that my sister wishes to challenge. And who can blame her. wasn't it Jesus's curious nature that lead him to the finding of Catholicism? Would Seton Hall even been standing today, if Jesus had not decide to dabble in Goyism?

So my advice to you Kady (that is if you have continued to read this far) is to branch out and explore the curiosity that comes with entering college or any new surrounding for that matter. Maybe head to a church service or two. But just make sure that if you are going to subject yourself to a catholic service, you owe it to yourself to take part in the body or Christ. (*** I would like to just make a side reference here to inform Eric that the body of Christ is a lot like his body - alcohol and wafers).

In related news, I was watching a show on MSNBC that I think was called "Inside America's Prisons." I'm not sure if it was pure coincidence or a strategically made video to scare the life out of me, but I swear that every inmate they interviewed was from Newark, NJ. Kady please do me a favor and stay the hell out of Newark.

Hope all is well with everyone, and I look forward to seeing you all in a few days. Kady please say a hail mary for Penn State.

L'chiam