The End

Cultural Shock 101

Today I was able to add to the list of numerous things a scrawny Jewish boy from the 'burbs should not do ... Hunt. However, I decided to put my love of living things aside for a few hours while I ventured into the world of carnage also known as hunting.

However, there was a catch. I was not given a gun. Nor was I given a bow or arrow. Heck, I didn't even get a wooden whistle that made the mating sound of a pheasant. It was strictly my job to trudge through wooded areas of the farm we were hunting at in hopes of flushing the pheasants out so the people with guns could shoot them. I couldn't tell if the people I was hunting with were joking or not when they instructed me to walk through the woods and scare the birds so they could fire shotgun shells in my general direction. Perhaps the only positive in my situation was that I was lucky enough not to be hunting with the vice president of our great nation; at least this meant I had a fighting chance.

When the hunt was over, and our group had killed about 15 birds, 1 jackrabbit, and a cooler of beer, I did learn how to clean a pheasant. This process took me back to my ninth grade science class. I remember walking into class one day and seeing a little baby pig stretched out on a metal tray. I thought about playing the whole "not kosher" deal, but decided that it would be a good learning experience. It was the same thing with the pheasant. I learned how to get rid of the feathers, where to enter the bird in order to remove the internal organs, and how to slice the gizzard up for good eaten'. I am almost positive these skills will help me somewhere down the line, as pheasant was such a popular dish in my household growing up. Mom, this time I'll clean the pheasant so you don't have to.

Halloween

Halloween is a Pagan holiday. For this reason alone you can pardon my ridicule of such a sound financial scheme. Instead of dressing up as a promiscuous nurse, or a promiscuous police officer, or even a promiscuous firefighter, I decided to go as a much less provocative version of myself. However, I could prematurely sense the disappointment my students would feel by me dressing up as me, so I decided to spend some time carving the likeness of me into a pumpkin.

Sorry

To all of my adoring fans, I apologize for the long overdue blog update. Many things have happened over the past few weeks, but I will spare details and get down to the nitty gritty.

The first topic of today's blog deals with the current BCS rankings. South Florida, Kansas, Hawaii ... it sounds like the the first three games of the Penn State football season. How can a Penn State team that completely dominated 17th ranked Wisconsin still not fall into a BCS or AP poll rating? At the same time the highly overrated Michigan Wolverines some how managed to find their way into the 24th spot. Does anyone in a position of sports responsibility remember that Michigan lost to Appalachian State and Oregon. Also, they managed to squeeze by Northwestern (should have lost), Purdue (should have lost), and Eastern Michigan. O.k. O.k., so they beat Penn State 14-9 in a real shootout, but did I mention Michigan lost to Appalachian State. Do the sports columnists of this great country not have any dignity for the sport of football. The one positive is that when we beat first-ranked Ohio State in two weeks, it will be that much sweeter.

Well now that football is out of the way, we can talk about my life. I recently spent some time in Denver hanging out with the Rippin Skiers. They showed me a great time, and the possibility of a move to Denver seems all the more reasonable. Perhaps the highlight of my trip, aside from spending time with friends, was my run-in with crazy Chuck, a South Dakotan autochthon full of spirit, song, and alcohol. This man had a song for every occasion. If your hair was blond he had a song, if the sun was shining he had song, if your shoe was untied he had a song. While having a song for all occasions is no real feat, it was the enormous amount of mucus that Chuck would cough up while in mid-song that made his act something to see. There were a few occasions when I thought his heart was actually going to stop from a mucus clog or he was going to rupture something and cause internal bleeding. Either way I guess I was not the only one concerned because the waitress cut him off at 5:30 in the afternoon. Chuck, if you are reading this (which judging by your basic demeanor and the fact you were paying for alcohol in spare change makes me think you are not), I really do wish you the best buddy, and South Dakota misses you dearly.

The trip was great, and really helped with my headspace. I am back in the classroom and loving every minute of it. In what other profession could a lesson on garbage and pollution turn into a 15-minute discussion on flatulence? I was teaching about garbage and landfills, and just as I was explaining how the methane produced underground from garbage landfills needs to be released to prevent combustion, one of the students farted. In the education world we call this a "teachable moment." You can imagine my students surprise when their teacher told them that if I was to hold a match to their fart I could produce a tiny explosion (the adjective varies depending on the lunch being served that afternoon). I had a few teachers ask me later on in the day why my kids were discussing methane to the other students. The way I see it is if they can remember the word methane, it shouldn't matter that they are talking about flatulence.

I hope to keep this blog updated from here on out, but I do not put any guarantees on that. I look forward to talking to everyone soon, but in the meantime stay good. Love you all.

In lieu of recent events surrounding my phone bill, I have decided to take my Lent vow early this year. I am going to give up talking on my cell phone for 40 days. Some of you may think I'm crazy. Some of you may even be saying, "But wait, he has the most sophisticated piece of technological equipment available on the market (*** that is of course excluding the Nintendo Wii and the Toyota Prius ... but those don't count they are Japanese products). Well you naysayers are correct. I do have an iphone, but I have come to realize that the iphone is the one responsible for my astronomic phone bill. You see, the iphone makes it incredibly easy for me to dial 11 easy digits and talk to someone from lets say ... Sweden! If Steve Jobs had made it a little more difficult for me to dial overseas, I would not be faced with such a burdensome phone bill. With that being said, if you need me I can be reached by starting a bonfire and quickly waving a blanket over it 7 times. Carefully not to wave it eight times because that is the universal code for After Labor Day Shopping Sale.

In school news, I received a wonderful question from one of the girls in my class. It was the afternoon and I was teaching math (for those of you that know my math ability, I use the term "teaching" very loosely in that sentence), when the young girl raised her hand and asked, "Mr. Schwartz, what if that guy never invented clothing?" I was a little surprised at how sure she was of it being a man that invented clothing. In fact, after owning a pair of button-fly jeans, I am almost one hundred percent sure that it was not a man who invented clothing. Anyway, I asked my students what they thought life would be like if clothing was never invented. One boy raised his hand and said, "There is no way I would come to school." I agree with him, why come to school when you could be out running around naked!

What Is Good Parenting?

If any Pennsylvanian parent approves of their child going to the University of Michigan, I suggest that child services be notified immediately. Nothing good could possibly come from sending a child to Michigan, a school rooted in corrupt football. I hope that ever player on the Michigan football team is convicted of academic fraud. I also hope that their fate rest in the hands of an extremely unforgiving judiciary board.

Daily Minutes

Well, I am officially the new third grade teacher. Today the lady I work with gave birth to a baby boy, and all I gave birth to was an ulcer.

It isn't all that bad. My mornings run very smoothly, and all the kids in my morning reading group (a two and a half hour block) are my classroom students. This is good because they understand my rules and expectations.

At the end of the day, I gave my students a few minutes to make pictures for Mrs. Doe. As they were handing their pictures in, I noticed that one boy had drawn a picture of a lady giving birth to a child. Of course, I thought that this was the greatest card ever made, and I can't wait to deliver to my mentor teacher in the hospital. This card is almost as good as a letter that one of my girls gave to me yesterday. Written in the most beautiful handwriting was a card that read, "Dear Mrs. Doe and Mr. Schwartz, I can't wait until you have your baby!" Not only was the message great but she had drawn a beautiful flower and balloons on the front. I will also include that card in the package I deliver tomorrow.

I cannot wait for Friday to arrive, and I think that I might check out a Pow Wow that is happening in Pierre this weekend, as some of my students will be there dancing. I'll make sure to let everyone know how it goes. In the mean time hope all is well with everyone. Much love.

How

It has been recently brought to my attention that there are certain components of my blog that may not follow standard English protocol. I would like to mention one simple fact - It's my blog and I will cry if I want to. With that being said, I will use as many prepositions at the end of a sentence, grammatical errors, and vernacular slangs as I wish.

There were a few things that happened to me today that help me look back on the day's events and laugh. The first of these many moments came around 8:45 this morning. I had just informed my students that Mrs. Doe (names have been changed for legal reasons) was admitted to the hospital, and that her baby was most likely on the way. I talked about how she would need some time off to recover and when she was ready she would bring the baby in for all of us to see. I then asked my students if they had any questions (sometimes I do this for my own personal enjoyment). Of course, one of my students in the back row raised his hand and asked in complete seriousness, "Did the baby poop in Mrs. Doe's stomach?" There were a few things that made this question so unique and difficult to answer. The first thing was the sincerity with which he asked the question, and the second was the fact that he used the word poop with ten other 3rd graders around. Needless to say, I had to do my best bullshitting to answer his question and keep my composure.

The second event I will discuss involves a new teacher, a half a pot of coffee, and one extremely upset bladder. In all of my teaching experiences, I have been free to use the bathroom at my leisure. However, today was my first time in the classroom without any assistance from a mentor. Seeing as I was going to be teaching all day, I thought it would be a good idea to consume as much coffee as possible in the morning. Well, 9:05 swung around and I could already tell that it was going to be the longest day of my life. By 10:15, every part of my body was quivering. I scanned my brain for possible ways to escape to the bathroom. Some of the ideas I came up with were - just peeing myself, calling the office for a five minute substitute, or reporting a terrorist attack and running to the bathroom (too soon?). Although the pain was unbearable, I managed to make it to 11:15. I dropped my students off at the gym, and told them that in the spirit of excercise I was going to run back to the classroom as fast as I could. They all started cheering me on, and I sprinted to the classroom. What I thought would be a five minute pee ... was.

The rest of the day was pretty standard. Everything has become a little more hectic, but I am still in control.

The only other thing I feel needs to be mentioned is that I discovered what I believe to be the worst job in the world. In my opinion, being a camerman for the Women's World Cup has to be the worst job ever. In case you have not been following, the Women's World Cup of soccer is currently happening in China. I watched a game this morning between Sweden and Nigeria in which every three touches resulted in a turn over to the other team. It was like watching ping-pong sans grunting. I'm not saying that the reason the camera kept swinging back and forth was because they were women, but more likely because they suck.

Love to all, and keep me in your thoughts as you ask for forgiveness for your sins (especially after this entry)!

What A Monday

For those of you following along at home, life just got real. Today I learned a thing or two about embryonic fluid. Apparently, if this fluid begins to leak, they admit you to the hospital because most likely your baby is on the way. What does this mean for me? Well it means I will finally have the classroom all to myself.

I am rather excited about the whole situation. I think that it is great that the lady I teach with is having a baby and she will make a great mother, but also I will now have the chance to add my own flavor (white devil flavor) to the classroom. While this was exciting news to end my day with, I also forgot to mention that a large number of students have infentigo. When the nurse first told me the news, I could have sworn she said elephantiasis. Imagine my disappointment when I pictured my classroom full of children who would be required to carry their testicles around in a shopping cart. However, I was relieved to learn that she said infentigo, which just means that huge bolstering pus mounds would be on my student's faces.

Anyway, I wanted to dedicate most of this entry to an email Jill sent me about Muslims not being capable of being good American citizens, but I have decided that I might have to spend more time researching everything I wanted to rant and rave about. Mom let me know if that email was sent to you as a serious message, or was it just one of your friends messing around with you? Love you all.

Sincerely,

The 3rd grade teacher formerly known as "White Bastard"

My Sister the College Student

There are a few times in a man's life when he can consciously remember a tear coming to his eye. Perhaps the birth of his first child, receiving his first automobile, or the first time he talks to his inebriated sister at college. For me, the latter was definitely one of those occasions.

Ever since arriving at college four or so days ago, Kady has been out to defecate on the Catholic diocese. Beliefs that apply to many catholics such as possession of a threefold ministry, veneration of Mary mother of Jesus, and the continuous organizational descent from the original church founded by Jesus, are just a few of Seton Hall's strict foudations that my sister wishes to challenge. And who can blame her. wasn't it Jesus's curious nature that lead him to the finding of Catholicism? Would Seton Hall even been standing today, if Jesus had not decide to dabble in Goyism?

So my advice to you Kady (that is if you have continued to read this far) is to branch out and explore the curiosity that comes with entering college or any new surrounding for that matter. Maybe head to a church service or two. But just make sure that if you are going to subject yourself to a catholic service, you owe it to yourself to take part in the body or Christ. (*** I would like to just make a side reference here to inform Eric that the body of Christ is a lot like his body - alcohol and wafers).

In related news, I was watching a show on MSNBC that I think was called "Inside America's Prisons." I'm not sure if it was pure coincidence or a strategically made video to scare the life out of me, but I swear that every inmate they interviewed was from Newark, NJ. Kady please do me a favor and stay the hell out of Newark.

Hope all is well with everyone, and I look forward to seeing you all in a few days. Kady please say a hail mary for Penn State.

L'chiam

First Week Summary

It is the end of my first week, and oddly enough I feel a lot like ....... ERIC! I received a $1200 paycheck for doing absolutely nothing. Sure I run off copies of math sheets, laminate posters of the color wheel, and flush fecal matter down the toilet when my students forget how, but is all of this deserving of a hefty paycheck? I guess it is! The only thing separating me from my much more productive brother, is my professional decorum. Sorry Er, but all the people here love me (at least that is what they tell me to my face).

In all honesty, I have really had a hard time dealing with the amount of down time I have during my day. For instance, today I spent a good part of the morning attempting to fix the laminator. Any one who has ever worked in a school district knows the importance of a well running laminator, and I did not want to let any of my colleagues down. After fidgeting with the machine, I decided to direct my attention to the 200 or so copies I had to make. Well copying really didnt take me that long either, and with nothing left to do, I was forced to head back to the classroom.

All of this monotony was just my morning. Trust me my afternoon did not get much better, and as I am sure you are all bogged down with work, I will spare you the details. However, the week is over and I am now formulating thoughts for my weekend. Odessa (my roommate), Justin (my friend), and I (the figurative me), were thinking of heading to the Twin Cities for a day or two. I like the idea, but I may push for a trip to Jackson, Wyoming - home of the Teton mountains. I will make sure to keep everyone updated, and hopefully there will be pictures to accompany my mindless rambling. Love you All!

P.S. Splat - hope teaching is the shit!!!

The First Day

I assume that the purpose of a blog is to inform people of your life on a daily basis. With that being said, I realize that it has been almost a week since my last blog. However, on a positive note, nothing of any really significance has happened to me here in Pierre since that last blog.

Today was the first day of school. I walked in to the cafeteria bright and early to see a hundred or so beautiful faces staring at me. It could be the glasses, but more likely it is my whiteness. The day was spent informing students of the do's and do nots of the classroom. We went over every mundane detail in hopes that the students would be able to follow along. One of the positive things about student teaching in the spring is that all of the conditioning is already done (Pavlov had the right idea), and the kids know what to do and when to do it.

Finally, I have decided to include a small section that addresses any humorous/ridiculous comments. For example, today one of the young girls in my class walked up to the lady I teach with, looked at her pregnant stomach and calmly asked, "Are you still with the baby's daddy?" I am sure that there will be plenty of good quotes in the near future. In the meantime, I hope everyone is well. I will speak to you all soon.

Back at School

Howdy Ya'll,

I am officially back in the swing of things. I have set myself up in my old room, and it feels semi-comfortable to be back.

The past few days have been perhaps the most boring days of my professional career. Day one was spent reviewing insurance. I probably should have been paying attention, as this information will probably help me in the future; however, I wanted to see how many times I could fit the alphabet on a standard sheet of paper. I think I was up in the thirties before I lost feeling in my hand (side note - I was wondering if there is workman's comp for the pain I suffered in my writing hand?).

Today we had a staff meeting in which the superintendent addressed us on the policies and procedures of PILC. He paid particular attention to certain "important" points of the handbook. One of these points involved the appearance of staff. The superintendent informed us that he prefers when people are clean shaven. After saying this, many of the teachers broke out into laughter. When Mr. J (the superintendent) asked what was so funny, a few people mentioned how his last comment had probably ruined my school year. I managed to laugh myself, but it was mostly because they have no idea Jesus is about to be back in full force.

I am heading to Macy, Nebraska this thursday to pick up some of our students from the Omaha tribe. It is an overnight trip, and I am sure that I willl have some interesting stories to tell when I get back. Until then, I will leave you all with love. Hope to hear from people soon.