The End

Cultural Shock 101

Today I was able to add to the list of numerous things a scrawny Jewish boy from the 'burbs should not do ... Hunt. However, I decided to put my love of living things aside for a few hours while I ventured into the world of carnage also known as hunting.

However, there was a catch. I was not given a gun. Nor was I given a bow or arrow. Heck, I didn't even get a wooden whistle that made the mating sound of a pheasant. It was strictly my job to trudge through wooded areas of the farm we were hunting at in hopes of flushing the pheasants out so the people with guns could shoot them. I couldn't tell if the people I was hunting with were joking or not when they instructed me to walk through the woods and scare the birds so they could fire shotgun shells in my general direction. Perhaps the only positive in my situation was that I was lucky enough not to be hunting with the vice president of our great nation; at least this meant I had a fighting chance.

When the hunt was over, and our group had killed about 15 birds, 1 jackrabbit, and a cooler of beer, I did learn how to clean a pheasant. This process took me back to my ninth grade science class. I remember walking into class one day and seeing a little baby pig stretched out on a metal tray. I thought about playing the whole "not kosher" deal, but decided that it would be a good learning experience. It was the same thing with the pheasant. I learned how to get rid of the feathers, where to enter the bird in order to remove the internal organs, and how to slice the gizzard up for good eaten'. I am almost positive these skills will help me somewhere down the line, as pheasant was such a popular dish in my household growing up. Mom, this time I'll clean the pheasant so you don't have to.

Halloween

Halloween is a Pagan holiday. For this reason alone you can pardon my ridicule of such a sound financial scheme. Instead of dressing up as a promiscuous nurse, or a promiscuous police officer, or even a promiscuous firefighter, I decided to go as a much less provocative version of myself. However, I could prematurely sense the disappointment my students would feel by me dressing up as me, so I decided to spend some time carving the likeness of me into a pumpkin.

Sorry

To all of my adoring fans, I apologize for the long overdue blog update. Many things have happened over the past few weeks, but I will spare details and get down to the nitty gritty.

The first topic of today's blog deals with the current BCS rankings. South Florida, Kansas, Hawaii ... it sounds like the the first three games of the Penn State football season. How can a Penn State team that completely dominated 17th ranked Wisconsin still not fall into a BCS or AP poll rating? At the same time the highly overrated Michigan Wolverines some how managed to find their way into the 24th spot. Does anyone in a position of sports responsibility remember that Michigan lost to Appalachian State and Oregon. Also, they managed to squeeze by Northwestern (should have lost), Purdue (should have lost), and Eastern Michigan. O.k. O.k., so they beat Penn State 14-9 in a real shootout, but did I mention Michigan lost to Appalachian State. Do the sports columnists of this great country not have any dignity for the sport of football. The one positive is that when we beat first-ranked Ohio State in two weeks, it will be that much sweeter.

Well now that football is out of the way, we can talk about my life. I recently spent some time in Denver hanging out with the Rippin Skiers. They showed me a great time, and the possibility of a move to Denver seems all the more reasonable. Perhaps the highlight of my trip, aside from spending time with friends, was my run-in with crazy Chuck, a South Dakotan autochthon full of spirit, song, and alcohol. This man had a song for every occasion. If your hair was blond he had a song, if the sun was shining he had song, if your shoe was untied he had a song. While having a song for all occasions is no real feat, it was the enormous amount of mucus that Chuck would cough up while in mid-song that made his act something to see. There were a few occasions when I thought his heart was actually going to stop from a mucus clog or he was going to rupture something and cause internal bleeding. Either way I guess I was not the only one concerned because the waitress cut him off at 5:30 in the afternoon. Chuck, if you are reading this (which judging by your basic demeanor and the fact you were paying for alcohol in spare change makes me think you are not), I really do wish you the best buddy, and South Dakota misses you dearly.

The trip was great, and really helped with my headspace. I am back in the classroom and loving every minute of it. In what other profession could a lesson on garbage and pollution turn into a 15-minute discussion on flatulence? I was teaching about garbage and landfills, and just as I was explaining how the methane produced underground from garbage landfills needs to be released to prevent combustion, one of the students farted. In the education world we call this a "teachable moment." You can imagine my students surprise when their teacher told them that if I was to hold a match to their fart I could produce a tiny explosion (the adjective varies depending on the lunch being served that afternoon). I had a few teachers ask me later on in the day why my kids were discussing methane to the other students. The way I see it is if they can remember the word methane, it shouldn't matter that they are talking about flatulence.

I hope to keep this blog updated from here on out, but I do not put any guarantees on that. I look forward to talking to everyone soon, but in the meantime stay good. Love you all.

In lieu of recent events surrounding my phone bill, I have decided to take my Lent vow early this year. I am going to give up talking on my cell phone for 40 days. Some of you may think I'm crazy. Some of you may even be saying, "But wait, he has the most sophisticated piece of technological equipment available on the market (*** that is of course excluding the Nintendo Wii and the Toyota Prius ... but those don't count they are Japanese products). Well you naysayers are correct. I do have an iphone, but I have come to realize that the iphone is the one responsible for my astronomic phone bill. You see, the iphone makes it incredibly easy for me to dial 11 easy digits and talk to someone from lets say ... Sweden! If Steve Jobs had made it a little more difficult for me to dial overseas, I would not be faced with such a burdensome phone bill. With that being said, if you need me I can be reached by starting a bonfire and quickly waving a blanket over it 7 times. Carefully not to wave it eight times because that is the universal code for After Labor Day Shopping Sale.

In school news, I received a wonderful question from one of the girls in my class. It was the afternoon and I was teaching math (for those of you that know my math ability, I use the term "teaching" very loosely in that sentence), when the young girl raised her hand and asked, "Mr. Schwartz, what if that guy never invented clothing?" I was a little surprised at how sure she was of it being a man that invented clothing. In fact, after owning a pair of button-fly jeans, I am almost one hundred percent sure that it was not a man who invented clothing. Anyway, I asked my students what they thought life would be like if clothing was never invented. One boy raised his hand and said, "There is no way I would come to school." I agree with him, why come to school when you could be out running around naked!

What Is Good Parenting?

If any Pennsylvanian parent approves of their child going to the University of Michigan, I suggest that child services be notified immediately. Nothing good could possibly come from sending a child to Michigan, a school rooted in corrupt football. I hope that ever player on the Michigan football team is convicted of academic fraud. I also hope that their fate rest in the hands of an extremely unforgiving judiciary board.

Daily Minutes

Well, I am officially the new third grade teacher. Today the lady I work with gave birth to a baby boy, and all I gave birth to was an ulcer.

It isn't all that bad. My mornings run very smoothly, and all the kids in my morning reading group (a two and a half hour block) are my classroom students. This is good because they understand my rules and expectations.

At the end of the day, I gave my students a few minutes to make pictures for Mrs. Doe. As they were handing their pictures in, I noticed that one boy had drawn a picture of a lady giving birth to a child. Of course, I thought that this was the greatest card ever made, and I can't wait to deliver to my mentor teacher in the hospital. This card is almost as good as a letter that one of my girls gave to me yesterday. Written in the most beautiful handwriting was a card that read, "Dear Mrs. Doe and Mr. Schwartz, I can't wait until you have your baby!" Not only was the message great but she had drawn a beautiful flower and balloons on the front. I will also include that card in the package I deliver tomorrow.

I cannot wait for Friday to arrive, and I think that I might check out a Pow Wow that is happening in Pierre this weekend, as some of my students will be there dancing. I'll make sure to let everyone know how it goes. In the mean time hope all is well with everyone. Much love.

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